Meat is the New Oil


JBS USA, the world’s largest meat supplier aside from the line of dudes outside your mom’s room, just announced it was the target of an “organized cybersecurity attack.”

The company, which is headquartered in Greeley, CO and is estimated to be the country’s fourth largest employer of potheads, released a statement saying the attack affected some of its servers supporting its North American and Australian IT systems.

“The company took immediate action, suspending all affected systems, notifying authorities and activating the company’s global network of IT professionals and third-party experts to resolve the situation,” JBS said. “The company’s backup servers were not affected, and it is actively working with an Incident Response firm to restore its systems as soon as possible.”

Meat-eaters across America are hoping that “Indicident Response Firm” is not code for “the Biden administration,” as they would likely do for burger joints what they did for gas pumps. We should know by sometime Wednesday, when Biden finishes his Monday nap.

The real effects felt by consumers is yet to be seen, as much will depend on the company’s ability to handle the attack in a timely manner.

As you’ll recall, one of the country’s largest oil lines, Colonial Pipeline Co., was hit last month with a ransomware attack that caused a supply disruption in a significant swath of the country. The Biden administration took a hands off approach, much in the same way a nerd takes a ‘hands-off approach’ with the bullies taking his lunch money every day. And like that nerd, Colonial ended up paying — to the tune of $5 million.

As predicted by everyone with an IQ sufficient to avoid deliberately walking into a campfire, the weakness shown during the Colonial hack didn’t take long to inspire another attack. And on another vital resource supplier, no less.

JBS is not aware of any evidence at this time that any customer, supplier or employee data has been compromised or misused as a result of the situation, however the investigation is in its infancy. Many are pointing to the Russian ransomware gang DarkSide, who were responsible for the Colonial hack, as the culprit. But with the message sent following the ransom payment last month, there are a number of suspects, as the U.S. was made a prime target for such attacks thanks to the inaction of the Biden administration. PETA would be a prime suspect were they intelligent.

RNR will keep you updated as events unfold.


*Editor’s Note: This is a real story, not a parody. The author merely employs humor as a defense mechanism against the crippling depression the country has plunged itself into following the installation of a houseplant as president at 4 a.m, Nov 4, 2020.





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1 thought on “Meat is the New Oil

  1. I’m told most report incursions to the fBI, but hire experts – like FireEye to contain damage. Hopefully, they don’t hire Crowdstrike, the company that helped create the Russia Hoax.

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